Parents & family

Your child needs you most of all

Maybe your child told you something. Maybe you suspect something. Or maybe you've had a question for a while that you haven't dared to ask out loud. Whatever you feel right now, you don't have to have it all figured out.

What you feel (confusion, concern, maybe sadness or uncertainty) is human. And it doesn't mean you don't love your child.

On Bonaire this carries extra weight. Faith, community, family (grandparents, aunts and uncles, the whole network): these are real things. We're not saying these things don't matter. But you don't have to figure this out alone.

Say this first

  • I love you.
  • Thank you for telling me this.
  • We don't need to know everything right now.
  • You are safe with me.

Try not to say

  • This is just a phase.
  • Who made you this way?
  • You can't tell anyone about this.
  • What will people think?

What research shows

International research from the Family Acceptance Project (San Francisco State University) shows that a parent's reaction is one of the biggest protective factors for LGBTQ+ youth. Young people with strongly rejecting parents have 8.4 times higher risk of a suicide attempt than those with accepting parents. Accepting parents don't have to understand everything right away: what matters is being present.

What you can do right now

  1. 1Stay calm. Your first reaction matters more than you think. If you need a moment, it's okay to say: 'I'm glad you told me. Give me a second.'
  2. 2Listen fully first, talk later. Your child needs someone to listen right now, not someone who immediately reacts. Ask open questions: 'How long have you been carrying this?'
  3. 3Give yourself space to process. This is new for you too. It's normal if this takes time. That doesn't say anything about how much you love your child.
  4. 4Say that you love your child, even if you have questions. Those words are the most important thing you can say right now.
  5. 5Ask what your child needs right now, not what you think they need. Maybe they just want to know you're there.
  6. 6Seek support for yourself if you have questions: through EQ Bonaire, a trusted friend or counsellor. You don't have to figure this out alone.

Questions many parents ask

Is this a phase?▾
Doctors, psychologists and researchers across the world agree. From the World Health Organization to the KNMG: sexual orientation and gender identity are not a choice and not a phase. They are a real part of who someone is. That your child is sharing this with you now is a great sign of trust.
Did I do something wrong?▾
No. Decades of psychological research show no link between parenting style and sexual orientation or gender identity. What does have a direct impact: the reaction your child receives from you. Your warmth genuinely matters.
How do I talk about this with family?▾
You are not obligated to tell everyone right away. First talk with your child: what do they want you to share, and with whom? On Bonaire networks are small and information travels fast. Respect your child's wishes about what can be shared.
What if my faith conflicts with this?▾
This is a question many believing parents wrestle with, and you're not alone. There are believing parents who have found a way to hold their faith and their love for their child together. Not by giving anything up, but by searching, praying and talking.
Do I have to keep it secret?▾
Privacy on a small island like Bonaire isn't a luxury. It's a safety consideration. Your child's coming out belongs to them, not to you. Ask your child explicitly: what can I share, and with whom? For your own support, find people you truly trust and who are discreet.

Would you like to talk with someone who takes faith seriously?

Go to Faith & identity →

Support for parents

You don't have to figure this out alone. There are counselors on Bonaire and through the Netherlands who support parents: anonymously, at your own pace, with understanding of the island context.

Send a message without giving your name if you want to remain completely anonymous.

info@eqbonaire.org →

This information is for general support only. It does not replace medical, psychological or pastoral guidance.